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In Memory Of Violet's Husband, Kim Flint
1969 - 2010

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You: Tori Turned Me Stupid

Has this ever happened to you? ... You want to meet Tori, maybe you have something you've wanted to say to her for years, or have some special little trinket you want to give her, or have a meaningful story you want to share that you just know in your heart-of-hearts would truly touch her, so you trot your little self to a M&G somewhere and then when the big moment arrives — it's finally your turn to speak and the air is sparkling with energy and magical pink unicorns are dancing through your head and you are so totally ready, yay! — you turn into the biggest doof on the planet and come off like a complete imbecile?

11. Toritattoo's Stupid Story

You picture yourself having an intelligent conversation with your idol. I have a billion questions and curiosities to ask her. I could interview the woman for an hour and a half at the least.

My turn in line and my moment arrived, my brain went on autopilot and I blurted, “I love you.” Not, “Hello, my name is Karen, I am so happy to have the chance to meet you,” or something logical. My mind simply vomited that insipid phrase on her.

Immediately her pleasant greeting face went to stone, I guess her “Oh Lord, yet another moron/stalker type” response kicked in. I immediately knew I had fucked it, so I tried to redeem myself and prove I was indeed an intelligent person by repeating over and over again such phrases as “I’m so stupid, I’m such an idiot” — I actually used the word “goob” — and thrusting my “A Piano” book at her and opening to the front part for her to sign, which is dark maroon (so obviously her signature would not show up). So she gently said, “Let’s do it this way,” and turned to the next page for me, which is white.

She asked my name and I spelled it, as if it was the most difficult name in the universe. Pfft. I then asked her what I now consider to be an inane question about a B-side called “The Pool” that I pretty much could figure out the answer to myself, I guess. I told her, “Thanks for taking time for us,” which was probably the best thing I said to her, and she put her hand on my arm, which I foolishly imagined to be meant reassuringly, and pushed me along.

10. Susan's Stupid Story

OK, so first off … this has to be the best section ever! What a way to put some smiles on our faces.

Now, lets take a trip back to 1998… I’m off to see Tori and this time I decide that I am going to try and make it to the M&G. I spend about a week deciding on what I would like her to sign. Boys For Pele is my favorite album but for some reason I chose the brown promo lyrics booklet I got standing in line at midnight for the release of FTCGH (sign #1 that I was just soooo not ready to meet her yet, lol). Now onto sign #2: I had received a set of “gemstones and crystals” from a friend years before that had been blessed and was said to have healing powers. I apparently did not need them anymore and decided I would put them in a nice little suede bag with a butterfly pin on the front (I don’t do butterflies, people! WTF was I thinking?). Anyways … to sum up a long story, here I am at the M&G with my stupid gift and an item I really didn’t have much attachment to for her to sign…

It’s my turn, and it’s packed like sardines in a can. I’ve got people to the left and right of me throwing me around. There was just so much chaos going on that as soon as I saw her standing in front of me, I froze! I stuck out my two hands, one with the gift, which I handed to her and said “These are for you” and went on to name what each one was inside and what powers they were supposed to have (in her head she’s probably already starting to sew the story of Scarlet’s Walk so I’m sure I looked like a real idiot trying to tell her what these meant!). She did say something like “Oh, well that’s good, we could use some of that energy”, or something like that. Then I asked her to sign my booklet, and if I could get a picture. I got my picture, but the person had the front door to the camera shut so my picture is just black. I will never stop being pissed about that! *lmao* We hug and she’s off to the person next to me.

Now here is where I wanted to shoot myself…

She asks the person next to me their NAME, to sign their ITEM, and I shout out, “Oh, yeah, my name is Susan.” She looks at me and smiles, and I die a little bit inside. I didn’t want to tell her my life story, or anything like that. All I wanted to say was, “Thank you for helping me open so many doors in my life and for looking out windows I did not even know were there” … instead I gave some speech on goddamn rocks!

I have yet to convince myself that I deserve another meeting with her. *lol*

9. Dan's Stupid Story

I’ve been a fan since the “Past the Mission” single, but never got the chance to see Tori until she played Manchester Apollo on Scarlet’s Tour. I loved it so much I decided to go to another show, and the nearest with tickets was Paris, so off I flew.

Reading about the Meet and Greets on thedent etc made me want to try one, so I got to the venue early and found there were others waiting — that was pretty cool. It was February and really cold, but still we all waited. There weren’t that many people compared to US M&Gs, but I still wasn’t exactly front and centre once Tori came out to say hi. I didn’t think I’d get a chance to say anything and she didn’t get that close, but there was a pause and so I made a request for “Honey.”

Now I don’t know what happened, but my power of speech must have been really muddled — I said something like “I’d love it if Honey came tonight” and she thought I said “Connie can’t come tonight” — and she goes, “Okay, that’s sad. But who the hell is Connie?” So I go, “No, HONEY,” and she has to get Joel to translate. Finally I am understood and she writes “Honey” on her hand. She seemed thrown, but also a bit amused, and said, “Poor Connie, wherever she is … I was wondering, ‘Should I know this girl’?”

Anyway she did play “Honey,” and I like to think it was for Connie and me!

Even better was the other time I did a meet and greet. I told her it would be my last on the Beekeeper tour as I was moving to Colombia. She kind of thought I meant Columbia and I said no, the country in South America. She said, “Oh my god, be careful not to get kidnapped!” and signed my China promo CD “On your adventures and travels”. That was pretty cool!

8. Anonymous TM's Stupid Story

Boca Raton, 2002.

I was so hyped up about my first meet and greet that I made a very stupid decision…

Didn’t eat any breakfast or have anything to drink because I was afraid I would have to go to the bathroom, and when I did, Tori would come out and I would miss everything. I thought I was so smart in being able to avoid all that.

Big Mistake.

We went to the venue around 9 am to wait for her. It was an unusually hot day, and we weren’t exactly sitting in the shade. Around 3 or 4 in the afternoon, security started to set up a barricade where the meet and greet would take place. Everyone there, myself included, rushed to the barricades. There were about one or two people in front of me from the barricade, but I was getting VERY squished. I became uncomfortably hot with the combination of the sun and all this body heat around me. We were like this for almost an hour before Tori finally came out.

I brought a nice picture of Tori where she’s got her hand up signing I Love You, and I wanted her to autograph it for my sign langauge teacher. She spoke with my friends and a few others before she got to me. Saying hello, I handed her the picture, and asked her to sign it to Valerie. (My teacher’s name is Vanessa! First mistake!)

A feeling of dizziness began to rush over me. I started thinking I was dehydrated and a big moron for not drinking anything when suddenly, I felt something *conk!* on my head. Someone passed a camera over my head with very shaky hands. I kinda slumped over fainted, but had nowhere to go with the group squishing me. Totally blacked out, I heard Tori say to me, “Are you okay?” After a few moments, I regained my composure and stood upright. I told her I was alright; she said something I can’t remember for the life of me, but she was happy I was okay.

According to my friend, though, Tori asked if I was okay multiple times. “Are you okay? Are you okay? Are you okay? Are you okay? Are you okay?” I must have been out cold for that!

The girl with the camera felt so bad about hitting me on the head! It wasn’t really her fault that I blacked out. I was so weak and dizzy that if a moth flew by my head and sneezed, I would have fainted. When Tori left and the crowd dispersed, that girl was nice enough to run to a nearby cafe and get me a cold, refreshing drink.

So, yeah. Excited for meeting Tori, but felt rather stupid passing out in front of her.

7. Carolyn's Stupid Story

I got a platinum VIP ticket to the Indianapolis show on the ADP tour, and I was trying not to be nervous the whole day, as I had never met Tori before. I’m a VERY nervous person anyway, but I was keeping pretty cool.

I had my huge purse, a camera, the gift bag, and the tote bag FULL of all the shirts I had bought to lug around with me. So, in the empty dressing room we were in for the M&G, as the line went down, I had to move all this stuff with me! Then, the very nice girl in front of me had 2 cameras and asked me if I would take some extra shots of Tori for her, in addition to the photo she would get with Tori herself. I said I would if it was okay with the lady who was directing us through this whole thing. The woman (can’t remember her name) said that was fine.

So, I start taking a few pics of Tori and the other people in front of us. I only took 3, cause I really didn’t want to over-do and distract anyone. And I was getting more and more nervous as my turn got closer. So I handed this girl her camera back and said that I had gotten a few good shots in. Then she told me that she wanted me to take a few shots of HER with Tori! I felt like a total idiot!!! I mean, duh!

So when my turn came I handled talking to Tori just fine, although I didn’t even bother to say much because time was running out. She signed my copy of Piece By Piece, and I started to gather my many things. She said to me, “Don’t you want to get your picture taken?” I burst out laughing and was like, “Oh yeah, I guess so!” I was so happy that I had met her, had seen her so close to my being, and I was trying so hard not to waste her time that I forgot one of the most important parts! Not to mention I would have left my boyfriend’s digital camera behind.

So suffice it to say, Tori turned me stupid.

6. Lisa071573's Stupid Story

Ok… this is pretty dumb… December 2, 2003, in Brea, CA at a Tower Records in-store mini-concert for Star 98.7. I had to work during the day and I think everyone had to wait in line all day for wristbands to see the show, so I assumed there was no way I’d be able to go and actually get in (since they were only going to let in so many people). Finally at like 2pm or something, my friend Brian’s sister, Diane, called to tell me she’d won tickets that included a M&G with Tori and that she was supposed to be able to bring a friend in for the concert, but not backstage. I managed to leave work early and brave the traffic to Brea from San Diego, made it to the Tower where at first it looked like I wasn’t going to get in at all, even for the concert, but then one of the guys handing out the backstage writstbands took pity on me and gave me one! I felt slightly guilty since Brian had waited in line all day and his sister took me backstage… but not that guilty :P [I bought them both dinner later :).] I’d brought my Tales of a Librarian CD with me just in case by some small chance I was able to go backstage, so I had that with me for her to sign.

I’d met Tori a handful of times previous to this, usually at a crowded meet and greet where there’s not much time for conversation, but once actually backstage in 2001 when they auctioned off front row seats/backstage passes (where I also was stupid, but I was stupider this time, so that’s what story you’re getting :P).

Anyway, I can never figure out if Tori remembers meeting me previously since she meets hundreds of people a day and I look fairly unremarkable (no dreadlocks, no odd piercings, no blue hair, etc.) and I have no dramatic story to tell or anything remotely interesting she’d remember (my friend Shadan, who went backstage with me in 2001, works for NASA and Tori spent 10 minutes talking to him that time about NASA and she remembers him every time she meets him… sigh) Anyway, so I always say, “Hi Tori, I’m Lisa!” as a way of introduction (which is probably also stupid :P).

So, we waited outside in line, then they let us in to meet her first before they were going to let everyone else inside to see her sing. I was trying to think of something not-stupid to say to her and finally decided I would ask her about “To The Fair Motor Maids of Japan,” a song she mentioned writing a long time ago (I think for Pele?) but that has never surfaced. Inside the store, they line us up and Tori is waiting near the piano, where she’s going to perform, a little way away from the front of the line, so it’s almost like having a private chat with her (versus the usual M&G where everyone hears how stupid you are). I make Diane go first and try to reason myself into not being nervous since I’ve met her before, etc.

Finally it’s my turn and I walk forward to her, she says “hi!” and she’s beaming and giving me that piercing stare of hers that is so unsettling… so I say, “Hi Tori, I’m Lisa” — prepared to go immediately into my query about Japanese motor maids — but she says, “And what’s up in the world of Lisa?” Hunh? WTF? What the hell do you say when Tori asks you what is up in your world? And I’m like “Ummm… ummm… I don’t know?” And she throws her head back and laughs and smiles at me. So, all I’m thinking about in the next second that passes is how lots of people tell her about their life and husbands (I’m boring and I’m not married), about their boyfriend problems (no boyfriend problems), about their kids since she is a mom (I don’t have kids), so all I can say is, “Um… I have cats… I don’t have kids, I have cats…” Yep. I’m telling Tori that I’m the crazy lady with all the cats that lives at the end of the street that all the neighborhood children are afraid of… Luckily for me, Tori is amazingly quick on the uptake, gets what I’m babbling on about, and she immediately grabs my hand, smiles and says, “Oh, but I totally get that!” I think she might have said something else about cats vs. kids, but I’ve probably blocked it out since the whole thing was so traumatically embarassingly stupid… So, she took my CD and signed it while I tried to recover some semblance of dignity and finally asked her whatever happened to the “Fair Motor Maids of Japan,” to which she replied, “She’s around…” and said the song probably wouldn’t be on an album, but might come out live. I could only think BOOTLEG!! and said, smiling stupidly, “Live is good!”

Finally the poor woman, still smiling at my inept silliness, hugged me and I was off. Once outside again, I looked at my CD and Tori had written, “To Lisa and the Felines – <3 Tori Amos." So, yeah, my stupidness is forever recorded in Tori's handwriting on my shelf. The cats are happy though that Tori was thoughtful enough inscribe the CD to them as well as to stupid me... sigh Maybe it’s better if she doesn’t remember meeting me…

5. Jared's Stupid Story

For the release of THE BEEKEEPER and PIECE BY PIECE, Tori had a signing at Tower Records on Sunset in Hollywood (no longer there sadly). A month or two before, everyone had to get wristbands, and then the day of the event we waited forever for T to arrive.

As it happened, she was running late from a taping of ELLEN. It was announced that we would each have ten minutes with Tori. I was in shock. Ten minutes? Really? I turned toward the uberfan next to me, surprised…“Ten minutes?”

“Most people aren’t going to take the full ten minutes,” she said to me. “People get freaked out and last a few seconds.”

Internally I scoffed at this. I was going to make the most of my full ten Tori minutes. Ears With Feet surrounding me began writing things they wanted to say to her. I had no need for writing things down! I was calm, I was cool, I was ready.

When my time came to finally speak with Ms. Amos, I handed her my PIECE BY PIECE book, a post-it with my name fixed to the front, and I was absolutely stunned in awe. She shook my hand. “Hi. I’m Tori.”

“I’m Jared…”

She began to sign the book and I was completely at a loss for words. “I like your shoes,” ended up being all that could escape my lips. Let’s be honest…not only do I have little appreciation for shoes, but I’m not sure I had even seen her shoes yet. I just knew how much she loved shoes.

“Thank you. I try. That’s the point,” she said. She gave the book to me and did a pronounced double-blink goodbye. Apparently…as I was told later by the people behind me…she also hugged me. I guess I blacked out.

Ten minutes? Really?

4. Ashley's Stupid Story

I’ve been a fan of Tori’s since ’96 — the first time I heard “Blood Roses” on radio — although her voice haunted me since ’94 after Kurt Cobain died, and the radio station played her cover of “Smells Like Teen Spirit.”

I’d been to three or four M&Gs, and had her sign things, but it’s always been because I’m lucky enough to be tall and handed things over people. Well, on the Posse tour I actually got to meet her (see photo in tour section for Indianapolis). I’m on the brink of tears the whole time, and she finally gets to me, compliments my choice of green, and the only thing I can say in response is, “You look fantastic in yellow.” … WTF was I thinking?

I had so much I wanted to say, her music inspires and comforts me, I too grew up in Virginia, I also wanted to request two songs, my favorite, “Tear in Your Hand,” and my best friend’s favorite, “Siren.” My best friend waited patiently on the other side of the parking lot because she got to the M&G late, and wasn’t able to get in line with me… but what do I say? “You look fantastic in yellow.” Duh duh duh!!!! Eleven years of waiting and all I can do is compliment what the woman’s wearing! She should already know how beautiful she is! Above all, I barely remembered to ask her to sign my copy of Piece by Piece.

She probably walked away thinking the girl with dreadlocks is totally weird!!

3. Anjhest's Stupid Story

November 2007.

My cheeks are burning as I write this. I was lucky enough to score backstage passes to a show on the ADP tour. There was no one else backstage but my best friend and I. We waited for nearly an hour, during which time we discussed everything we would say. We also managed to completely calm down in that hour, whereas had we been whisked away into her dressing room immeditaely, we probably would have gone into cardiac arrest. I kept saying, “I’m not nervous anymore! This is great!”

Fast forward to Tori’s dressing room. I was like Holly Hunter’s character in The Piano. COMPLETE FUCKING MUTE. Tori had to do all the talking. I couldn’t even comment on the show (which was AMAZING). She commented on her OWN FUCKING SHOW! How LAME am I?!

Then, when I wanted a photo, I whispered in a tiny-little-5-year-old voice, “Umm, would it be okay if we, you know, get a photo? I mean you don’t have to or anything, but…”

Then she asked me, “So will we be seeing you again?” to which I responded, “HUH?” and she said, “Will you be going to any more shows?” to which I responded, “No, we have husbands and jobs.” HOW fucking rude is that? I wanted to piss myself immediately after it came out.

Oh for God’s sake, I can’t go on. It’s too painful.

2. Kevin's Stupid Story

The first time I actually spoke to Tori was picture perfect example of Tori making me stupid.

It was the Albany date of the spring leg of the on Scarlet’s Walk tour, so it was Feb 2003. I’m all ready to talk to her and give her my story of why she means so much to me when she comes out all set up front at the M&G. Tori comes out and I go to talk to her and everything goes blank and I just start stuttering, “I-I-I-I love you Tori,” and I hand her my ticket to sign and she askes me for my name and I look at her blankly, since I at that point forgot what my name is, and finally it comes out, “Ke-Ke-Kevin, that’s right, my name’s Kevin.” She signed and I just walked away so embrassed, happy that I finnally got a chance to talk to her, but felt so stupid.

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